Chief Executive Officer: Robert California

One African story of creation depicts a bee carrying a mantis across a river. The river is wide, and the exhausted bee eventually leaves the mantis on a floating flower. The bee plants a seed in the mantis's body before dying, and the seed grows into the first human. All of you are the equivalent of that exhausted, primitive worker bee towing a dying, outmoded business behind you, and it has weakened every fiber in your pitiful bodies. I am commensurate with the first human: a mark of welcomed change. An evolution. A vicissitude so powerful and so blinding that you'll need to put on a pair of blue blockers just to get through the day.

I possess the fire of a young Egyptian protester, and the restraint and stoicism of a wise Chinese village elder - an impeccable combination, ideal for rejuvenating a regional paper distributor. I know what you're thinking: will you be able to keep up with the demand? Will you live up to my exceedingly high standards? Will you be replaced by someone faster and much, much more attractive? My advice is to never stop asking yourselves those questions.